This post is an attempt to vomit my thoughts onto something, so I don’t wind up keeping it in and eventually swallowing it again – because… that’s just gross.
A little background…
Today, after nearly 12 years of living in our little home, we are leaving it. No, we haven’t sold it. No, we’re not renting it out. No, we haven’t been found guilty of tax evasion. We simply cannot afford our house any longer. No, we didn’t get one of those Adjustable Rate Mortgages. Our income has dropped significantly over the past year or so, and rather than fight and scrap to keep our house (which we could have done – we could have restructured our loan for a time until we were able to make our normal payments again), we’ve decided to do what’s callled a "Deed-in-Lieu of Foreclosure", which means we basically give the house back to the bank rather than them taking it later. And so, we are moving in with my mom for a time, until we can payoff some of our Medical & Tax debt and get our perverbial feet back under us.
Maybe all three of you that read this already know all this, but now you’ve heard it from the source.
So, for me – I’m still waiting to find out how I feel about all this. Lately, as we’ve worked to get things organized to make the moving process go as smoothly as we can, I’ve been pretty focused on the job at hand, and haven’t given myself time to think or feel. The times I have noticed how I feel, are the times when I tell people we’re moving in with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to my mom for taking us in. But, there is this prideful, sinful part of me that wants to be approved by others and doesn’t want them to think that I’m "that guy" that’s 31 and lives with is mom. Why do I care what others think about me? I’m getting better at not caring, but I still do.
Another time I noticed my feelings getting the best of me, was at the thought of moving from our dear friends that live within walking distance. Granted, we’re not moving across the country, but there’ll be a considerable drive now. And, I think that’s good – to be sad over such a distance between friends. That’s something that us Americans can usually care less about. We don’t let anyone "in" so that we can be independent and "free" to leave when we want. I am grateful for my community of friends here, and there is going to be a great void in our lives as we "mourn" losing them.
And, just thinking back on our hopes and dreams for our family. And, how we’ve just known that we are going to live here for the rest of our lives – in our simple little house, overrun by our big family. Dreaming of the day when the boys would bring their friends and dates here to meet us, and go to dances and playing basketball in the street, and all that stuff. But, we submit all our dreams to our God, who is in control of ALL THINGS, even this – and we trust that wherever we wind up, as long as our satisfaction is in Him and not our possessions and our dreams, we will be right where we need to be.
It looks like that’s all the vomiting I have for now. I think I should stop before I resort to the dry heaves, because no one will be happy with that….